PTSD {post-traumatic stress disorder} is a sly one. You don’t know that you are in it until you are climbing out of it. In a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture, it’s challenging to ask for help when the tasks of daily living overwhelm you. For FOUR years of my life, I couldn’t understand why my IBS was triggered every time that I went into a store with fluorescent lights, why leaving the house seemed so scary, why I couldn’t get myself out of bed in the morning and why thoughts of suicide crossed my mind more frequently than I care to admit.
I had been an overachiever and high performer my _entire_ life. First dream job was at MIT. At 24 I was presenting my research at Oxford and running a NASA special development study for the space shuttle and at 30 I had hit my goal of making six figures…yet behind the scenes addiction and depression were KICKING MY ASS. Lunchtime was served up with a twist, bong-thirty could not come soon enough.
Obviously something was wrong with me and I continued to beat myself up …
I wasn’t trying hard enough.
My depression meant that I was weak.
I was weird for not being able to motivate to get out of the house.
I gained fifty pounds, stopped exercising regularly and drank and fed and traveled my pain away. I reluctantly sought help and then tried to “project manage” my healing process – ok, three months of therapy and I’d be done.
The catalyst for PTSD is an overwhelming trauma that we can not comprehend. We do not have the resources to understand it or manage it and remain “functional” in our daily lives. Examples of PTSD triggers are war, child abuse and assault. These are things that hit us “out of the blue” and completely shred our poor nervous systems.
In my personal life, 3 unexpected serious surgeries in 1.5 years triggered a cascade of depression, panic attacks and agoraphobia. It also triggered a ton of self-discovery and revealed a lifetime of PTSD from my earliest memory (the death of my twin brothers when I was 4) and my first sexual experience as a teenager (rape). I had shoved these events down waaaaaaayyyy deep and it was only through a long and gradual process of FEELING into my body that I realized just how much emotional trauma I was carrying around. And it was only by FEELING it that I could
LET
IT
GO.
There is some debate about re-energizing trauma. Yes, you definitely do not want to re-traumatize yourself…but there is definitely value in feeling INTO that trauma. Gently. With. Compassion. and with a professional. I could not have faced and healed from PTSD without an incredible team of health care professionals who allowed me to build trust, feel into the pain, let it go and build new patterns, strength and resources.
I truly believe that “what gets revealed is healed” and that bringing things out of the darkness will heal them with light. Your healing from PTSD might be a once and done “hallelujah moment”. I am open to miracles and you should be too, but the very nature of miracles makes them elusive at best.
Likely, your climb out of PTSD is going to be a series of small steps. It starts with
Feeling
Being Still
and Listening
to what your body has to tell you.
If the thought of being still in your body freaks you out, trust me. I hear you. When my therapist assigned me to sit still for five minutes a day. FIVE minutes. I freaked out. Now, I basically spend my whole life in meditation and love how this has opened me to spirit, strengthened my relationships and allowed me to love myself unconditionally for the first time in forever.
Climbing out of PTSD is definitely a journey but one that is worth taking. I’m on the downhill part of this particular life adventure right now and I can tell you that the view from the top was completely worth facing all of the shadow and pain. And the funny thing is that most people have gone through this in some form or another in their lives and when we engage in authentic dialogue about PTSD with ourselves and each other the healing can begin. There is so much medicine in the simple act of listening.
If you are suffering from PTSD know this: ask for help. turn it over. and things will get better. Pinky Swear. Find a professional in your area. I’ll add a section on PTSD in the Resources tab next week. As Winston Churchill said…”if you are going through hell, keep going”. You can do this and it wil be worth all of the marshmallow fluff, laughter and peace on the other side.
If you are living with someone with PTSD, please be patient and kind. It can be hard to recognize and I’ll add some resources for caregivers/family of PTSD sufferers in the Resources section as I find good ones.
Here is my final project of the last four years. See how much joy is in it? Of all of my “achievements”, climbing out of PTSD, having faith in myself and LIFE is the one that I am most proud of. Keep going, be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
